MeMe for Bevis 20 things about me.

1. My brother and I argue about who is taller. If there is a difference, it’s about 1 cm. I measure up at about 185cm, he is about the same. His hair is higher and he has a more oblong head, giving him the appearance of extra height, but it’s just an illusion.


2. I’ve never smoked a cigarette or touched any form of drugs. I did roll my grandfather a rolly(sp) using his silver rolling machine, tally ho and capstan tabacco (I was about 12). I feel sorry for anyone hooked on anything they can't give up. I see so many young people smoking and doing drugs, thinking they are invincible and it's just a bit of fun. I never could understand that. I fear for my children, but hopefully they will have all the information I can give them to allow them to choose a healthy life over the alternatives.
   


3. As a child, I can remember getting into trouble only once per year. Things that seemed major at the time, are so insignificant now, I wouldn’t call it trouble. The most memorable was when, in grade 5, the boys used to touch the leaves of a particular tree at the top of the school yard which would deposit small spikes or cactus like needles on our hands, then we’d walk up to the girls and touch their checks. The needles would transfer over to them and given a prickly experience, apparently it wasn’t a pleasant sensation. We got into trouble and the teacher lined us up (about 6 of us) and asked the girls to go to the tree and bring back prickles for our punishment. They did this and punished us good. The best thing though was that the girl I had a little crush on picked me to punish. I think that was a sign. More on Libby later.


4. In grade 6 (1976) I went to watch a football game at my local VFA ground in Preston. Sitting in the grandstand, my friends and I were enjoying the game when a couple of bully types (13 year olds) came over to ask if they could borrow my pen. I think I said no, get your own, which was followed by a fist to my nose. I didn’t retaliate, I was quite puny in those days, but they didn’t return.


5. I enrolled in a double degree in Accounting and Computer Science, with the intention of becoming an Accountant with some knowledge of these new fandangled computer contraption thingys. I soon figured out that Accountancy was not going to be the way for me and concentrated on the Computers. Especially, after failing Contract law two semesters in a row, I was under threat of losing my place at uni which I sorted out by dropping the Accounting degree, and by the way, the student union did absolutely nothing to help me. They couldn’t give a toss.


6. I love most comedy programs. Top of the heap is Fawlty Towers. I can pretty much recite scripts from most of the shows. Seinfeld is next, which I initially poo pooed as a crap American sitcom but It was my wife’s influence at the time (she was very anti-American). I love The Office, David Brent and Gareth, what a team. Everybody loves Raymond is another favourite, it’s rumoured to be loosely based on my brother and I (so says my sister and sister in law) but I can’t figure out which one of us is Ray and which one is Robert. The Simpsons is another massive favourite, every episode is great and Homer is my hero.


7. I met my girl friend via the bits and bytes of the net. We’ve been together for almost 2 years and we are very much in love.
   


8. I have a tendency to change my mobile phones every couple of years. Since my first analogue phone, I’ve had about 7 phones. 4 Nokias, 2 Ericssons and currently have an O2 Xphone. Only had it for 1 year, due for replacement next year. I am very much the technology junkie, it is my only real vice.
   


9. I’ve previously posted about the cars I’ve owned, but I really like my current car. The Blue XR6 Turbo, it’s quick and manoeuvrable. I have it leased for a couple more years but then I will have to hand it back and revert to a larger capacity carrier type vehicle. Hopefully something with a turbo though.


10. I make a mean lasagne, pretty much from scratch and can have it served up in 2 hours. I can even make the pasta if I feel like it, but why do that when you can buy fresh egg pasta sheets. My daughter loves it, but she ranks it 2% behind my mums version. She uses more cheese I think.


11. Going back to grade 5, I was asked to play kiss chasey buy Libby (girl I had crush on). She wanted to chase me!!! If caught, you were taken to the “kissing tree” where you had to kiss in front of the assembled crowd. My sister was a year below me and I know she was always hanging around the “kissing tree” and would have sprung me. Also, Libby had what young kids these days call a posse. Her gang (the Kelly gang) was also going to be part of the chase group and therefore I stood no chance of escape. So I declined the offer and I have regretted that decision ever since. Libby then asked Mitchell and he said yes, bastard.
    


12. Other than the punch in the face I mentioned above, I’ve only ever struck two people in anger, and in self defence. Both these happened when I was under 14 years of age. The first kid tried to push me around, he was sort of a bully type and I managed to thrust my arms out and he went backwards and ended up on his arse. He never messed with me again. The second guy was not really a bully but was just trying to pick a fight with me. He also ended up on his arse and never bothered me again. On another occasion I was with some friends and a younger kid (we were year 10 he was year 8) was bugging me about my nickname from primary school (tell you that later) and it pissed me off but my mates stepped in a grabbed him by the neck and told him to push off. Never came near me again.


13. My primary school nickname was “banana”. Reason being, my surname sounds a little like yellow. What is yellow? A banana.


14. When I started work at my current company, they called me mr red, or they called me mr blue. Is there a link between primary school and the workplace? Probably.


15. Favourite movies: Terminator 2, Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill 1 & 2, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, The Seven Samurai, Godfather 1, 2 & 3, Goodfellas, 2001: A space Odyssey, Saturday Night Fever, All the Indiana Jones movies, Star Wars episode 4, Blues Brothers, all the Monty Python movies. There are more but I’m getting tired now and I need to finish up soon.


16. I used to play indoor cricket and was very competitive at it. I captained the team and almost got into a fight when I bowled a bouncer at this whinging bastard. It was the most aggressive I’d every played and nearly ended in tears (for him). We won a couple of leagues and came 2nd a couple of other times. I wish I had the time to return to the green carpet but I don’t think so.


17. My favourite colour is blue and number is 7.


18. I have other blogs in the blogosphere which explains why I don’t post much. I’m not a writer nor a frustrated writer looking for outlets etc, I’m not an actor trying to branch out into writing or vice versa. Therefore I find it very difficult to just churn out stuff.


19. I’m a widowed father of two wonderful children. Life has moved on, see point 7 above. They are 10 and 7, one is very artistic, and the other is very mathematical and accurate. They are the major focus of my life and until I have to let them go, they will always be my babies.


20. This will be my final post as Capeman. It’s been good fun, but I can’t continue writing under this banner any more. Thanks for all the comments, as I said before, I have another presence and he’ll be around for a while longer. Chances are I’ll merge the two together, create a new blog and return to some sort of anonymity. My biggest mistake was telling workmates about this, it’s hard to write your mind knowing who is reading. So farewell. I won’t be tagging on anyone. Thanks for tagging me Bevis, hope you enjoyed the snapshot.

Viva Ferrari!!!!!

Six months in a leaky boat...

When I bought this tent of mine, I asked "Is it waterproof?", the answer came back "Yes". Mistake number 1, I believed them.

When trying to assemble the tent in the rain, don't rush. Read the friggin instructions, no matter how show or useless they look coz invariably there are many clues in the text that will allow you to figure it out and get your tent up (I had assembled it in the backyard once after purchase and had no problems). Mistake number 2, didn't RTFM.

At the site, we couldn't figure out which telescopic poles we needed (6 or 9 segments?), used the wrong ones, the rain started and stupidly I said "This is only a passing shower". Mistake number 3, it rained for nearly 2 full days solid.

Finally got the tent up, with the fly cover and moved all our stuff in. Refer to mistake number 1. The tent was not waterproof, it was more sieve like. Mistake number 4, when the forecast is for rain, bring a tarp, we didn't.

2 nights in a leaky tent is more than enough for me. Thanks for the experience, the kids are not scarred at all (counseling starts soon) :-)

It was fun. Never lost our sense of humour.

Tail-end* and tapering* are going into the family lexicon to represent the weekend.


*both in reference to the rain ending but never did.

Gabe Kaplan, alive and punting.

I was watching the latest craze in American and also coming this way. Televised Texas hold'em poker, I only caught the last 45 seconds of the tournament and unfortunately I missed seeing one of my favourite TV teachers was playing and had reached the final two. Mr Kotter has thrown in his chalk and leather patched beige jacket and white mans afro, for a short crop, and weak excuse for a beard.
So, how did he do? Well, to get to the final two is a great achievement, unfortunately he couldn't get past the champion (don't ask, I didn't take much notice of him). For his trouble, Gabe picked up over $220,000 US. Not a bad 2nd prize. I think the winner picked up a cool $500,000.















Well done Gabe, The sweathogs would be proud.

A Little Bit of Live Aid.

My sister sent me an email tonight noting that she feels so old. She was watching the broadcast of the live aid concert from 1985 and reminiscing about those days. I flicked over and caught a little bit of the special, just in time to see Freddie Mercury out front of Queen singing Radio ga-ga. A small tear welled up in my eye as I realized that some of these artists are no longer with us. A lot more are washed up and a fair few are still "rocking". Elton looked ridiculous in whatever hair he had on. Tina Turner had her trademark fright wig on and Mick Jagger looked skinny and all lips as per normal (nothing changed there).
I saw a glimpse of Bob Geldof and he looked so young, what I still can't figure out is how can one man, by virtue of his one and only hit song "I don't like Mondays" make such a long lasting impact? I know he organized and continues to make an impact, but his off sider in the live aid thing, Midge Ure, has pretty much turned invisible. Where is his Knighthood? He's alive and well. Did you know he was originally part of Thin Lizzy?
Remember when Albums were those big black things with actual grooves and you needed a huge system to play the damn thing. You had to clean the needle as it gathered dust, ahhh those were the days.
Sorry, just stepped back in time for a while. Back now.
Have a good week.

Can I help you?

True Story....

I was driving home from a play in the park with the kids and driving up a residential street I saw a woman standing in the middle of the road, talking to the driver of a car going in the opposite direction. The car pulled away and the woman staggered back into the middle of the road, I tried my best to avoid her but she jumped almost in front of me. I slammed on the brakes as she was desperately waving me down. I thought, What's going on, does she need help, questions raced through my mind. I wound down my window and she came up. She opened her mouth and whatever she was eating hadn't gone down yet, so in her excitement, some of the food particles flew out and onto my car. What was so important that she was waving down cars in the middle of a busy road?

"Have you got a smoke mate?"

Moi? A smoke? Lady, I'm the last person in the world that would have one.
So that was the emergency, as I sped away so no more food would be spat at my car, I could see her waving down more cars.

Kill me before I get that desperate.

How did you find me?

That stat counter shows me how many people get to read the Capemans thoughts and stuff, but it also shows me how people get here. So if you come here via a link, I'll know, if you come here via a stored favourite I'll know, and if you come via a search engine, I'll know. What the search engine links also show is what you typed in as your criteria. Well, someone used the search terms "mum banged" and found me. Well I'm sorry to say dude, this ain't a porn site.

Yet.

Now I have used these words in this blog, mum and banged, but not in the same post.

I guess every stat counts though.
Ciao.

New technology news.

A good friend of mine has made a purchase and decided to share this with me. Problem is, that it’s the type of “toy” I now want, not need, but want. Here it is:




This is actually the next model up from what he bought, and I like it very much. What is it? It’s the latest in portable hard disk with a twist. It connects to a network and you can dump DVD images onto it in ISO format, so no shrinking is required. You can dump any format video footage onto it and it will play it. It’s also got multiple video outputs, DVI, Component, S-Video and regular video. The best thing is the High Definition output for those of you with high def TV’s. The unit itself is probably going to retail at around the $300AUD mark*. They come with or without hard disks and seeing you can pick up a 300GB hard disk for about $170AUD, that’s great value. You’d be hard pressed to buy anything that performs everything this little beauty does for less than $1000 total.




*No actual facts to support this statement.

Stupid choices.

If you had owned and operated a Petrol Station /Mechanics workshop and it went bust. If you had almost lost your mothers house as she went guarantor on a loan for a failed hairdressing business. If you had purchased a beach house property on Phillip Island and over committed yourself. If you had other ventures that had gone badly, would you go back to the well and try again?

I expect most people would say ‘Yes’, it’s in the blood to find that pot of gold, and I wouldn’t blame anyone for giving it another go, but you’d think you’d really investigate the options. You’d do plenty of market research; you’d get plenty of independent advice. Well you’d think so.

So why is it that my second cousins decided to invest in 3, count them, 3, franchises of the Danoz Direct variety? I know that there might be people that buy the Danoz stuff from the TV ads but who would walk into a shop and buy that crap? For the life of me I can not understand why you would think this was going to be a huge money spinner. Not to mention the fact that the locations were inside 3 of Melbourne’s largest shopping centres, so the rent is horrendous. What the hell were they thinking?

I saw them at a funeral last week and they told me that they almost lost their house when the venture went belly up, what a surprise. I just wished they’d sanity check this sort of stuff with others in the family, removed enough so that we can be honest, I hate seeing people in that position. All it would have taken is for me to give them the “You’ve got to be kidding” look and maybe they would have thought twice.

I’ve been thinking about taking the leap out of the comfy desk job and into small business, hopefully I won’t fall into the same trap the cousins found themselves in. Now they have to sue and try to recover from someone for the broken promises, it will only get messy. I wish them well.

Nostalgic about my cars.

My first car. The humble Datsun 180B, built in 1977, rego IXA859. Colour scheme, cream body with black roof. I had it from about 1984 until about 1987. It basically got me to uni and back when I realized that traveling by train from Preston to Caulfield was such a time waster. Cheap on the petrol but a bit daggy. My uni mates had the following: EH Holden, Mitubishi Sigma, XB falcon wagon, '78 Toyota Corolla wagon, so my datsun was right at home with that lot.








Around 1987 I started working an thought I should replace IXA with something that might help the image. Well a lack of advice and bull at a gate attitude saw me buy a Holden JB Camira, circa 1982. Rego BMY256, in my possession for about 5 years, this was 5 years too long. The worst car ever made, it was my introduction to the "Friday Afternoon" car. After a couple of breakdowns, BMY's time was up. It was traded in for the next car (lucky dealer huh?).







This is the first (and only) brand new car I bought. The 1991 Mazda 323, rego ERW768. I got a $3500 trade in for the Camira which helped out, and probably could have got more if I'd brought my dad along. Anyway, still got ERW, it's the car I'm 60% through selling. It's a great little car, I got the Laguna Blue version which at the time drew a few comments from passing motorist, even cops (without getting a ticket). Although, I did get one speeding fine in this fine automobile. The only complaint I had was that the first clutch went after 40,000K's which I thought was a little early but Mazda said was "normal" for a car that lives in a hilly suburb.









After having our first child in 1995, we couldn't get around in the one small car, so I used the salary sacrifice facility at work and leased a Holden VT Berlina in 1998. Rego OVW798, It was a pretty average car, a few creature comforts but generally did what it was supposed to do. The lease was for 3 years so in 2001, we traded up.









The next car was a truck really. We succumbed to the 4wd craze and leased a Toyota Prado 2001, reg QWM968. We'd had a second child by this stage and thought that we needed the extra space to carry all of Child #2's stuff. In reality it was overkill but on occasions it was useful to have that extra space. The one thing I did like was the on top of the world feeling. The ability to see over the traffic was brilliant, but in most cases, the bulkiness and lack of speed made it impossible to use this advantage.









Due to some unfortunate circumstances, I had to break the lease on the Prado at the end of 2002. Once things settled down, in 2003, I took on a new lease. My current car is a For Falcon XR6 Turbo. You could call it a little mid life thing, but I'm not 50 and it's not a red ferrari, far from it. Ford were actually able to send me photos of my car being built. How many car companys do that?










From start above, to finish below.











Final product: tada.









Funnily enough I can't remember the rego of this one.

Life of a technologist.

Is it any wonder I work in the field that I do. I had a little dig around to find those bits of technology I used to own and those which I own now.

Starting from the start, my first bit of technology was a "“TV game machine"” which had 10 games built into it. I raised the money through confirmation presents/birthday money and a secret account mum was putting her child endowment money into. If I recall it right, the machine cost about $70 in 1978. It was basically the game of Pong with 9 other variations. Soccer, Hockey, Gridiron, Doubles, Tennis, Squash and a few others I can'’t remember. This is what it looked like:

After a couple of years, in 1980 I think, auntienty bought us a surprise gift for Christmas. An Atari 2600 game console. This was the greatest gift a kids could have at the time. Space invaders was huge, other games were breaking into the pinball market and the 2600 allowed you to play colour games right there at home. Over the next couple of years we amassed about 15 games. God I wish we still had the unit and games now. I'’m sure it'’s worth a few hundred dollars to a collector, that market has exploded recently. This is the unit we used to have:

Plus over that time, I managed to collect a couple of these games.

In 1982, my dad decided I needed a computer of my own. I had studied basic programming in 1981 (year 11) and was also doing computers in year 12. I researched and decided on the best thing I could come up with, a Disk Smith System 80.

This was just a basic programming system with about 16k of memory. This thing helped me learn some programming concepts etc, but as with all technology, soon was outdated. IBM and Microsoft were starting the conspiracies which lead to today'’s machines and operating systems. The system 80 though lasted about 2 years, I could record my programs onto a cassette tape with a flaky cable between the unit and the cassette recorder. I remember that the cable had to be titled slightly so that it would work; the programs would take about 20 minutes to load so if it stuffed up, and it usually did, I'’d be sitting there for hours waiting. I wrote my own Bathurst car racing game on that thing, something else I regret throwing out.

Uni followed and in my final year, 1986, dad bought a computer for his company. This was a semi leading edge Epson PC (yep Epson made computers in those days). These were the days when computer were made by manufacturers and they all fought for the brand name end of the market.

This set up cost dad about $3000, I learnt a valuable lesson that day. Any future computer purchase was going to cost $3000.

A few years after this, dad upgraded to an Epson 286. This was the next generation PC and was sold to us by a former workmate. It was a solid unit and had a whopping 1 meg of ram. This thing lasted about 3 years and served me well. Did a lot of my dad'’s accounts on it as well as mastering Kings Quest games, Leisure Suit Larry and countless other bits of software that came across my work desk. This unit also cost about $3000 in about 1989.

The next computer was a no name cream box, supplied by a workmate. It was a 386 with 4 meg of memory and a 300 meg hard disk. It cost about, you guessed it, $3000. This was my first official purchase in 1993. I used this computer to connect to bulletin boards, and later, make the first steps onto the internet. It'’s now sitting at my mum'’s place, gathering dust. No photo of it as it was just a regular cream box. The monitor was a 15 inch VGA monitor and was about $1000 by itself. You buy them now for under $100, if anyone is actually selling them.

The beauty of that machine was that I wrote a stock management program for a stock broker and he paid me $400 for the effort. What did I spend that money on? Well, I rushed out and bought a Playstation (original) in about 1998? I think.

I still have this, and I even had it chipped. I must have about 40 games for this thing. I used to play it constantly. Favourite games were Gran Turismo 1 and 2, The Army men games, Actua Golf and tons of others.

The next PC I bought in 2002 was a quantum leap from the last one. It'’s my current machine, an AMD 1.6 GHz machine with 512 meg ram and lots of other bells and whistles. ADSL connection to the net, a router to connect the kid'’s computer to the net and run a little local area network around the house. My favourite game for this PC has been Far Cry, very realistic and very spooky with the surround sound on and in a dark room. Especially when the kids wake up and sneak in behind me.

Over the past 3 years, we'’ve also acquired the following game boxes.

Nintendo Game Boy.

Playstation 2 with a network card for on-line play.

Microsoft XBOX -– Halo collectors edition, also with network card.

Nintendo Game Cube for the kids.

Plus, an impulse purchase of a Playstation 2 bean bag.

So, is it any wonder that my work life revolves around the humble computer? I'’ve been in the industry for 18 years, I'’ve seen a lot of technology come and go, I recall the Apple Newton which was going to be the next big thing. I'’ve resisted the urge to splurge on an iPod of any description. I like my music, but these toys don'’t interest me. I don'’t use public transport much at all which would be the only time I would want to get lost in a musical world.

You'’ll notice I'’ve steered clear of Apple gear all together, they were never seen as a real techo’s PC. One for the schools or publishers, techo's want to strip things apart and break them; you couldn'’t do that with the Apples, also objected to paying $6000 for a PC. They eventually got it and brought out the iMac, and they finally are becoming price competitive, but still donÂ’t interest me.

PS: The geekiest guy I know has glued used CD's to the ceiling of one of the rooms in his house. Last I heard, he was starting on the walls, this was "his" room. Somehow he negotiated this with his wife, that must have been one hell of a discussion.

How we met.

20 months ago today, I shared a coffee and a sandwich with a very special woman. I remember being as nervous as all get out, sweaty palms, deodorant working overtime, it was a couple of weeks before Christmas and I recall it was over 30 degrees. It was a mid week meeting, Wednesday to be exact and Honey came to town to meet me for the first time.

We had met earlier, about a month earlier but that was via a modern medium of introductions. It was via RSVP.com.au. “Internet dating” was how we met, in fact J found me and I replied that I was interested in chatting via email at least. Our profiles matched up pretty well, some areas of difference but you need variety, you need to be able to learn from one another.

Being in our late 30’s (when we met) and both having children, made this method of dating the best option for both of us.

I was led to RSVP by a work colleague (Barb) who had dumped her husband and being in her late 40’s wasn't interested in the pub/club thing coz that was going to be too much hard work. She’d met 5 or 6 "RSVP" guys either via email or over coffee and the last one was Mr Right for her. She even told me that they were going to get married, not sure if they did, I should ask her one day, but anyway, she said to me, over a boozy lunch “Capeman you ought to try RSVP, there are loads of girls on it and one of them will be right for you”. Thanks Barb, I sort of looked at her with a “what the f@ck are you talking about?”

A few days later, I was playing a game on the PC and I was just about to shutdown and I thought, I ought to give that site a go. Fired up the net and headed to RSVP.com.au. I don’t know why, but I thought to myself, is anyone looking over my shoulder, why do I feel a little ashamed? I used the free search facility and looked up my likes (see turn ons below) and up popped a plethora of women. Skipped through them, refined the search, narrowed the field to a few then thought “now what?” I did nothing. I just shut it down, shut down the PC and didn’t return to RSVP for nearly 4 months.

On the second go, I had a little more confidence. This time I prepared my profile, photo and posted it up there. Up there on the net for the all the world to see. I started searching and made some preliminary kisses*. All my kisses came back unopened [sniff].

But then, in early November 2003, a kiss landed in my mailbox. Honey had sent me a kiss and I thought woo hoo. After I stopped shaking, I clicked on the profile button and thought hmmm, she’s encoded her email address here, I’ll send her an email. Otherwise, you can pay RSVP 5 or 10 bucks to be introduced, but Honey had carefully hidden it in her profile so only the cleverest of detectives would be able to bypass the elaborate security system RSVP employed. I sent an opening email, and Honey replied a day or so later. So we back and forth-ed emails until it was obvious we had to meet. I think we spoke on the phone first and we set the first official lunch date.

December 10 was the day and we met near my office building in the city. That meeting went well, we talked and talked and talked, I was instantly smitten and thought to myself, we need to explore this more. 20 months later, we are going as strong as ever. Lots of ups, a couple of downs, plenty of learning and lots of fun.

So, I can honestly say, there is nothing wrong with Internet dating.

*kisses are emails sent to the target person who can either accept or decline the offer.

Tag, my turn. My top Tens.

Well it’s my turn for a top ten Turn on’s and Turn offs.

I’ve seen a few of these lists and slightly confused about how to approach this. I’ve gone the traditional route and list the things that get me fired up and in the mood and the things that will turn me off either in the short or long term.

Top 10 Turn Ons.

1. Jazz music playing softly in the background.
2. Entertaining fingers.
3. Nothing less than a C cup.
4. Next to nothing on.
5. Intelligent.
6. Finds me mildly amusing.
7. Excellent technique.
8. Running her finger nails up down my back.
9. Makes me smile.
10. A hint of Vera Wang all over her body.
11. Yearning for a life more extraordinary.

(oops one too many)


Top 10 Turn Offs.

1. Annoying loud voice.
2. Overabundance of hair (except on her head).
3. Fake nails, ie too long.
4. Smoking. If I'm in the mood, the smell of tabacco is the quickest way to turn me off.
5. A Liar.
6. Tattoos. I used to think I could handle them but I'm right off them.
7. Illicit Drug user or abuser.
8. Child intolerant. I've got kids, you have to be tolerant.
9. Racist attitudes.
10. A closed mind.

Next........

Ok, I’m going to have a tag team, no holds barred wrestling match to decide who I will tag next.

In one corner, from part unknown, weight unknown, Roguemaze and Cotton , in the other from Melbourne, weighing 100kgs (wringing wet) Aleks and Elaine.

The winners will be tagged.

Roguemaze and Aleks square off first as the bell rings, and after a 20 minute dissertation from Aleks about how the Government and the puppet ALP opposition is screwing the country and how he knows how to fix it and proceeds to explain how. Roguemaze rolls his eyes back and collapses, Aleks tags Elaine, she climbs to the top rope and splashes RM through the canvas, 1, 2, 3. The ref lifts Elaine and Aleks’ hands and declares them the winners. Cotton, storms out, leaving his partner dazed and confused, pissed at not even getting his white trunks and matching wrestling loafers into the action.

Elaine and Aleks, you're tagged.

My next house?

I just saw a news story about architectually designed shipping container homes.

I looked around and it didn't feel like April 1, so I did some research. Lo and behold, there are many articles on the subject of solving the housing - space crisis by investing in container homes.

This mob makes and ships them and there are many, many, many models. Even a camping unit!

What do ya do?

What would you do in this situation.

I left work today at 4:45pm, normal time for me these days and went to my car. When I arrived at the car park I waited in the foyer for the lift. These was this suit waiting there as well, the lift had to come down from the 6th floor so we waited. There was a notice up on the wall and it caught my attention. Something to do with tram works out on Bourke St, what that had to do with the car park is beyond me but I digress. While reading this notice, the suit moved in closer to see what the notice was about. I smelt something a little pongy as he moved in, but I moved back as the lift arrived and I gave him some space.
The suit walked into the lift first and I followed, he was going to the 2nd, me the 3rd. He says to me, what's that notice about, I explained briefly about the tram works and we both agreed that it seemed silly to be hung up on the wall in a car park. As we talked, I notice that pong again, this time I recognized it. It was Alcohol, not just a little, but enough to give this guy a real stench. I then noticed his red eyes and slight stagger as he walked out on the 2nd floor. The door closed and I realized. Shit, this is a car park. He's getting in a car! He's going to be in front or behind me as we leave the car park. Shit! I should have stopped him, and then what. Flatten him and steal his keys? Block his car with mine? (I don't need any more repairs) Convince him to catch a taxi? Get his rego and call the cops? Do nothing?
I don't know, do you get involved or not?

Situation no 2.
Driving to work today, I drove down Lygon St, passing the cemetery where the tram runs down the middle of the road, through a series of safety zones. Now for the uninitiated, a safety zone is a fenced off tram stop in the middle of the road where cars are not allowed to go along the tracks. This gives the area the name "safety zone", you are safe from car traffic. Well, this morning, a dickhead in a shiny grey/silver Renault hatchback decided it was above the law and zoomed through the safety zone. Traffic was pretty bad this morning and this impatient bastard felt the need to risk hitting a pedestrian and save him/her self 2 minutes in traffic. What the FU@K. This is not the first time I've seen this, it must have happened on about 8 occasions this year alone. Where are the cops when you need them. In all the cases, these guys fly past and you have a split second to try and catch the plate. If you happen to see it, What do you do? In this situation, I would ring the cops. They might do something, they might not, but at least I'd have done something about it. If there were kids at those tram stops, they don't always stand by your side. These bastards (the drivers) need to by sidelined. I'd be tempted to put my car in the way to stop these pricks coz that's all they are.

Wood'ya believe it?

This is a little update regarding the car I'm selling.

I rang the dude that has my car last week, and spoke to his mum.
"He's not here now, He went to the dentist and hasn't come back yet".
"Oh, OK, let him know I called and get him to call me back. It's about the car" As if she didn't know, she's been hassling him to shift it ASAP.
So then I just waited and waited, thinking how long does he need at the dentist. 7 days later I get this call at work.
"Mate! How-ah you? You's bin OK? I've been sick mate, really sick mate. Flu's bin killing me mate, you haff no idea mate"
"JP, to what do I owe the pleasure of your call?"
"Mate, sorry I didn't get back to ya, bin sick n that"
"Ok, no problems, what'd happening?"
"Mate, I got a little more money for you. I got a fousand dollars for you. If you come ova on Friday next week I'll haff it for ya"
"Ok, next Friday?"
"Yeah, fa sure mate. If i'm not heyah, you's can get if off my mum. I'll leaf it wiff her"
"OK JP, so that means you have about 1500 left?"
"Yeah, that's it. I'll haff it for ya next monf"
"OK, JP, I'll just hang here by my thumb nails waiting, I'm sure you won't be long"

The episode where my car was banged up.

Driving home from work one night, it was actually the day after my 40th. It should have been a good day, it should have been a good month, but for some reason I had this nagging feeling that March was not going to be the great time of year it usually is. (Possible self fulfilling prophecy coming up)

March 7th was a day when it rained, not unusual for Melbourne, but it hadn’t rained for over a month. I was driving home after a not too stressful day at work and decided to take a different route home. Normally it’s High street north, but that day I decided to head up Heidelberg Rd. The roads were wet and slippery, but the rain had stopped for the day. I was heading towards a set of lights which had just turned green. Got through the intersection and then quickly slowed (???) and stopped as my lane (the middle lane) had come to a complete stop. Looking ahead, I couldn’t see what was holding everything up. All I could really see was the taxi in front and a large minivan in front of him.

The cars on the outer lane were zooming by, so I started that process of looking back and wanting to shift lanes, but before I could even turn to the mirror, I hear a massive screech, very close and very loud.

Time stops and I looked in the rear view only to see some balding young driver (well, younger than me) in his Nissan Pulsar, eyes shutting and teeth clenching as he embraced for impact. Seeing this, I went rigid too, arms stiff, legs stiff on the brake.

BANG!!!!!!

Nowhere to go, he hit me fair square in the middle of the boot. My car is a family sized vehicle so he didn’t end up joining me in the back seat of my car; his seat belt probably helped him stay put too. The impact was not only at the rear end, he was travelling at top speed (i.e. the speed limit I’m guessing) and pushed my car forward about 4 or 5 metres, unfortunately the taxi was only 2 metres in front of me.

BANG!!!

Into the taxi. Shit. I could see the face of the taxi passenger in the back seat turning as I lurched forward and hit her ride. The force of the impact moved my driver’s seat back along the rails and the back of the seat into a sleeping position. When everything stopped, I saw the taxi driver get out of his car, running back to me.
“Are you OK mate?” He says.
I couldn’t talk. It was my birthday the day before, shit like this shouldn’t happen when you are 40 and 1 day old.
“You OK?”
Still couldn’t speak, started to feel crap. I felt emotion welling up inside, an unwilling participant in a metal sandwich. The prophecy has started to become true.
“Sir, you ok?”
Then the culprit came up to check on me.
“Sorry, sorry, are you ok?”
“I just need a few minutes to regroup” I said.

They went to the back of my car and inspected the damage. I had settled down after a couple of minutes and all the anger went out of me. I guess it would have been easy to get out and thump him, what purpose would that serve. Let’s hear what he has to say before I push him under a truck…..

I climbed out of the wreck and surveyed the damage. The other two were at the back and I headed there. The Pulsar driver was very apologetic, he explained how he wasn’t concentrating on the lane he was in, he was looking to his inside as a van was creeping into the lane and he wanted to avoid him, but taking his eyes off the van, he then realised that our lane wasn’t moving. Nowhere to go! Bang! The damage at the back of my car was enough to buckle the boot and hinder it from opening; the front of the car had what looked like minor damage, but the bonnet wouldn't open either. My car still ran, which was a darn site better than the Pulsar, it was really banged up. His engine had stopped and it wasn’t going to start again.

We pushed him around a corner and we did the usual swapping of details. His car wasn’t his car, it belonged to his grandma. Poor granny. Luckily he was covered by her insurance, there wasn’t going to be a problem, well, not from that point of view. A couple of phone calls later and I had the repairer on my doorstep ready to take the car away in the morning. The insurance people were on the case and I had a rental car organised to get me through the next couple of weeks. How long could it take to repair what looked like some pretty minor damage, after all, the car still ran.

A few days later after very little contact from the repairers, I received a distressing call. Not that they couldn’t repair the car, but that it was going to cost $15,000 to repair and wouldn’t be ready for another 6 weeks (2 months after the crash). Shit! So they starte talking about writing the car off, and I started looking at new cars. As soon as the euphoria of getting a new car took over, they rang back and told me that the repairs are going ahead and there wasn't going to be a write off.

So what do I do for a car while I waited? My car is a leased vehicle through work which I was going to be paying for, without having it. The HR guys couldn’t or wouldn’t help me, bastards, and then to top it off, I had to pay for the rental cars myself and hope that my insurer will recoup the costs from the third party (insurance talk for the Pulsar driver). Over the two months, I begged, borrowed and lent the following: Toyota Camry, Subaru WRX, Toyota Land Cruiser, Ford Falcon, Toyota Corolla, Toyota Avalon and my mums Holden Berlina. If only I had access to my old Mazda, that would have saved me a lot of trouble.
Update: I decided to call JP today, funnily enough I spoke to his mum and he wasn’t home. He’d call me back later. Let’s see how long it takes.

Anyway, I eventually got my car back, 2 months, 1 week and 4 days after the accident. The car had to go back due to a couple of minor things, but I wanted them fixed to make sure it was paid for by the insurance, not me.

The moral of the story is, stick to your regular route home. Crap moral, but I’m going to stick with it.

Ciao.
Forza Ferrari, get back on top.

Episode where I am trying to sell my car.

For the past 2 years or so, I’ve been trying to sell my old Mazda 323. I no longer need it as I’ve replaced it with a superior family sized vehicle (with Turbo). One of my neighbors offered to sell it on my behalf as he is a mechanic and knew a few guys in the trade. Firstly he was going to fix the minor faults and then he would shop it around. He did this, the faults were minor and he probably spent about $250 in total. So we sort of agreed on about $6000 and all I wanted was about $5000 and whatever remained, he could keep. Well he came close about 2 times, each time the purchaser agreed to a price and then they couldn’t get the finance. Usually a Uni student and Mum/Dad didn’t have the ability to raise the $6000 so we held out thinking that someone would eventually come up with the cash.

2 years on and not a single bite, until recently. JP (the mechanic) and I agreed that he would buy the car and use it himself; he had a new job and needed to drive long distances. The Mazda runs on the smell of an oily rag so it was ideal. Then the clutch went, Shit!! So now he’s got the parts to replace the clutch and he’s been sitting on it for 2 months or more. The car is sitting in his driveway and he’s done nothing. Then, one day, he gives me a deposit and I think, fantastic he’s finally sold it. Truth is, he has promised it to a mate who will pay the full amount, but he needs to fix the clutch first. So once again, I’m sitting here waiting for him to replace that F@(#!ng clutch so I can see the rest of my money.

You will notice, I’m a patient man, I may drive a fast car but when it comes to human nature I’m a softy. Right now I’m over worrying about it. I’ll call him one of these days, to speak to his mum and find out that he’s not home or he’s asleep, or at work, yada, yada, yada.

Confliction.

When I allowed myself to watch Big Brother, I used to sit there and watch Rachael cause confliction between herself and the other housemates. What is confliction? Well we all thought is was a concocted word made up in Rachael's mind, but let the truth be told, confliction exists in some dictionaries. Here, check it out. Its a noun, of the noun conflict (please explain!).

Away for a little while.

Going on a short holiday starting tomorrow, so I probably won't have time to post anything new. but I'm just going to jot down a couple of ideas here so I remember them later.
1) The episode where my car crashed. (Don't forget the photos)
2) The episode where I tried to sell my other car.
3) The episode where my son writes another short story.
4) The episode where I explain how I found love on the net.
5) The episode where we find out the true meaning of life.
6) The episode where describe my NASCAR driving experience.

That should do it for now.

Ciao.

Out of the mouth of babes...

My son asked me a difficult question tonight. It wasn't a tough one to answer, but it just made me think. He stood there and asked me "Dad, if you had to go to hospital, who would look after us?” Being a widower, I guess this is a valid question. The two children and I live by ourselves and with family nearby so the answer is simple, either the grandparents or one of their uncles or aunties.
So you see, the answer is simple, but he didn’t like those answers. He wanted someone else to be in charge. He wanted himself to be in charge! I looked at him a little quizzically and he then explained. “I should be in charge and if anything happened I could ring grandpa or auntie and they could come and take care of things”. Not sure if he fully thought his plan through though, making lunches, getting to school, the washing, preparing dinner etc, but they both have shown a keenness to learn.
Begs the question though, in my situation, if I was in hospital, who would be best to look after them? At least he wasn’t planning for life after my death; hopefully he’ll be well into his 70’s before that becomes an issue.

Short story by a small boy.

The following is my son's first attempt at writing a story.


Title: The new and old car

One day Mr Holden had a VERY VERY OLD car. The car had webs bird poo and smelled like someone put banana on the seat. Mr Holden went to the Holden shop, to buy a new car when he got to the shop
Mr Holden asked the shop keeper which car I should get. The red one or the blue one or the orange one now I have made my choice I want the orange one but can you make it a bmw. Sorry we are not the bmw car shop, Now can wait what is your name? My name is Holden what car do you want? a bmw. Then a burglar came to steal a car ,then super Holden asked the shop keeper can I go on a car yes lets go 1 minute later he caught up ,Then the police came then Holden smashed then the police shot the traffic light the burglar said I better turn into the police station .

So the burglar turn into the police station but the police saw him. The
Police put him in jail. And so mr Holden went back to the shop but when he was back the shop keeper said we made a bmw so mr Holden changed he’s name to mr bmw and they all lived happily ever after.


------
Pretty much unedited, a couple of spelling errors but the story remains untouched.
He has a couple more ready and they'll go up soon.
Enjoy.

I once slept with 8 women in one night. (But I'm no whore)

I have a true confession to make. I once slept with eight women in one night. This is a true story, only the names have been changed coz I can’t remember them all, just their nationalities.

The day started like any other on the camping tour across the US of A. There were 18 of us in a mini bus campervan about 10 & 8 males to females. We’d been together for about 8 days, driven from Los Angeles, via Vegas and then through the canyons of Utah and Arizona and on to Tucson.

Vegas was our first official pitstop, the sleeping arrangements were pre-arranged, that is, we would have to share 8 rooms in a Casino hotel. Therefore, there would be rooms of 2 and 3. I was to share a room with 2 guys, Renoux and Emanuel (French and Swiss), but soon there was a knock on our door. The tour operator (and driver) was looking for someone to swap rooms with Katsumi (Japan), he did not want to stay in the room he was allocated. We questioned him, “what’s wrong mate? Who are you sharing with?” We looked down the hallway and from his room emerged Inga and Courtney (Dutch and South African). They were both quite attractive but that wasn’t Katsumi’s problem. He could not bring himself to share a room with 2 women, some sort of cultural thing. Well, before the others guys could open their mouths, I had my suitcase in hand and was already heading down the hallway, dust trail flailing behind me. As it turns out, the other two weren’t keen on sharing with the girls either. So my 2 nights in a Vegas hotel were shared with two attractive blondes.*

When we arrived in Tucson, we discovered that the camping ground was on an Indian reservation just outside of Tucson. We removed our luggage and camping equipment and started to set up for the night. We were treated to a typical Western meal, huge steak and not much in the way of vegetables, maybe a salad of sorts but I don’t remember that too well. We sat around the campfire, listened to some history about the area and what was planned for the following day.

We retired to our tents. Now this was another one of those awkward situations, we didn’t have to set up our own tents, that night we were going to sleep in real, authentic, Indian teepees. Problem was, there were only 2 of them and we could only fit 9 in each. We had 18 people, but only 8 girls. So once again, I threw myself into the lions den and slept with the ladies, all 8 of them. We had Hella, the Danish army recruit. Courtney, the South African writer, Inga, the Dutch swimming teacher, Tammy – Canadian teacher, Dianne – English teacher, Penke – Finnish student, Tania and Rochelle (both Americans, can’t remember what they did). They were all great people (even the guys), I learnt a lot about each of them and really hoped that I would meet them again one day, but that was nearly 15 years ago and nothing other than a couple of Christmas cards, the night I slept with 8 different women. All I have is the memories.

*Needless to say, nothing happened but it makes a good story to tell mates when you return home. No need to tell them the whole story.

Saturday was Salami day.

The weather is cold. There is a slight wood-fired smell in the air. It must be Salami making season! As every good wog boy knows, this time of year is the time we all make our salamis. Why now you ask? It’s the climate; the salamis need the cold air to be able to cure correctly. Also, you need a drafty shed, one which you can light a fire and leave it for a few hours so the salamis have that wonderful wood-fired aroma.

This year, my girlfriend experienced her first wog family salami making occasion. It was great to share the day with her. I wasn’t sure that she would enjoy the sights and smells, but other than the off cuts bag, J got her hands dirty and that makes her a “made woman”, as far as salami making goes, an honorary wog girl.

With J there, we got to relive some of the olden days when grandfathers ruled the salami making process. Mum retold stories about the old days back in the village where on a weekly basis, in the freezing hills of southern Italy, her grandfather worked as a professional salami maker, selling his skills throughout the village to whoever wanted the best salamis that year. He was very well respected and compensated for his skills. My dad’s grandfather was a notch lower on the salami professional’s scale, but he did not charge, he only worked for family and close friends.

I was reminded the old days when as children, we weren’t allowed to “interfere” with the process. The thought that we might spoil the meat and ruin a batch of salami was always on my grandfather’s mind. “Keep those kids out of here” (in Italian of course) he would shout. We just wanted to see what the fuss was about and get our hands into the raw meat. Surely we could prick the salamis with the needle? Even that was a fine art, do that wrong and you could ruin them as well. Nowadays, I want my kids to join in as much as they can. The 9 yo came for a quick peek but wasn’t very impressed. The 6 yo was more adventurous early but he couldn’t stomach the sight of the intestines. Next year, I’m certain that they’ll participate a little more, or is that just wishful thinking?

Anyway, we now have 23 kilos of great looking sausages, suprasatas, cappacollo and pancetta hanging in the garage, being smoked with the finest, aromatic timber dad could find at the nearest building site, the cold temps doing their bit for the process and also filling the house with wonderful aromas. (In the old days, we used to make about 60-70 kilos).

It was a great day, 4 or 5 weeks and I’ll be eating them. Yippee!!!!

I'm so proud of my babies.

The kids finally received their mid year reports and it was all smiles. The eldest had a very established report (whatever happened to A's, B's, C's and F's?) and the youngest had a very established report too. I was very pleased with both their reports, and I'm already being asked for the latest CD from whosawhatsit. I'm sure the boy will cotton on and ask for a reward too. I think they deserve a little something.

My boss is going on leave on Monday and so is our second most senior guy. This leaves the Shezmeister and I to run the fort. What usually happens in these situations is we fight the fires that we can and put everything else on the back burner waiting for the bosses to return. It's usually a good defence and with the usual pace of movement in a large organisation like ours, 2 weeks ain't gonna make a lick of difference.

OK, good night, I'm off to morph into the shape of a hot water bottle and pretend I'm somewhere I really want to be.

Mwah.

Top 100 movie quotes.

Well someone produced a list, and I like lists. These are the top 100 quotes from movies as voted by the American Film Institute. I bet "Cinema Paradiso" is not in this list.

http://www.afi.com/tvevents/100years/quotes.aspx#list

Why is it so... part 1.

Why is it that as soon as an 18 yo boy gets his licence, the next thing he gets is a P-plate, a baseball cap with the peak shaped to a point, followed by an over powered v8 1995 VR Commodore or a 1988 VL v6-turbo Commodore?
It seems we are producing a bunch of cap wearing speed hungry morons that are unlikely to make it through to their 20’s.
There is also another phenomenon, when these young males congregate in cars, usually 6 to a car; only the driver is allowed to wear his peak cap. All others must remove theirs as a sign of respect to the driver.
This never happened in my day, my 1976 Datsun 180b couldn’t hold my school books, let alone more than 1 person in it, but it did get me from A to uni and back.

“Shut up old man! You’re wearing a Ferrari flag!”

Oi, do as I say, not as I do!! Be off with you.

Prediction: The Ford Falcon XR6 Turbo will replace the Commodore in 10 years as the hoon car of choice.

Panic Stations.

You ever have one of those days when you were expecting the worst.

That was me today. On Tuesday I received a notice from Aussie Post telling me that I had some registered mail waiting for me at the local post office. Hmmm... who would bother to send me registered mail? Well I let it go until today, post office hours don't coincide with my work life all that well, except for today when I drop the kids off at school and can get in to work a little late.

So off to the PO I go and on the way my mind starts rattling through the possibilities.
1. Speeding fine, I'm still waiting for a possible fine dating back to early Feb. But they are not normally registered.
2. Tax Office Audit, I never wanna see a letter from them unless there is a cheque attached.
3. A retrenchment offer from work, we have been filling the unemployment offices quite regularly lately and maybe they didn't want to tell me face to face.
4. Maybe that dude that has my other car has clocked up some parking fines and hasn't paid them?
5. I'm being sued by some guy I had pushed over back in my school days?

but alas, it was none of the above. It came from the Real Estate agent managing the property I live in, but why registered?

1.Maybe the owners want to sell the house at the end of the year and they need to make sure I receive the notice.
2. Maybe the house they are managing for me needs more work and they are too scared to call me
3. The agent is inviting me to their christmas in july party.

Again, none of the above.

They were just advising me that they want to jack up the rent by $20 per month.

So after all that panic, it was nothing worth worrying about.

Ferrari Cape Man 

Intro...

Why Cape Man ?
On the occasion of my 40th birthday, my beautiful sweetheart draped my in a flag, a Ferrari flag the colour suits me, I posed for the camera and from that point on, I was to be known as "Cape Man". We have other pet names, but I think they'll be subjects of other blogs.

Love you baby xxx